


A Christmas Miracle, A  Christmas Wish

by Krialke



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas Fluff, Civil War Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 14:25:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17184680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krialke/pseuds/Krialke
Summary: Steve wished it didn't hurt this much. He wished his friends didn't have to be away from their families at Christmas. He wished he could talk to Bucky. He wished Wanda didn't spend the day cooking while looking miserable.He also wished he could gather up his courage and use the damn flip phone.





	A Christmas Miracle, A  Christmas Wish

"I knew I'd find you here."

Steve stopped punching the sandbag, turning to see Sam at the door, leaning casually on the frame. Steve knew he couldn't hide forever, but it had been only two hours and honestly, he expected Sam to get the message that he wasn't really up to talk right now.

"What is it with you and slaughtering sandbags when you're upset?" Sam asked, sounding genuinely curios.

Steve chuckled, despite himself. "Old habit." He answered. At this point, it could very well be the last familiar thing he could hold on to from his time with-with the Avengers. At the compound. Where Tony was.

God, just _thinking_ the name made Steve's stomach turn, guilt eating at him, coupled with intense longing. Steve knew that he should really get a hold of himself, but every time he thinks he's actually doing better, something happens and it all comes crashing down again.

Like watching an incident on TV and knowing he couldn't do anything to help (and really, wasn't that what he had tried to prevent when fighting the Accords?), or seeing Clint video call his family so he could see his children (Scot too, for that matter) and when it wasn't that, it was the nightmares. Horrible nightmares that left him screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night; dreaming of metal clashing on metal, what would have happened if he had hit just a little harder, if he'd landed that last blow, and those three words _Did you know?_ -

Steve sometimes woke up just before seeing the light leave those warm, brown eyes, now faded to grey. Other times he dreamed of crushing the arc reactor with his own hands, watching the blue light dim and go out, but it wasn't just the suit's, no it was _Tony's_ and he looked at Steve, full of hatred and at the same time pleading.

When he woke up, body covered in cold sweat and shivering from the horror of what he'd seen, Steve would reach at the side of the bed for his shield, just to remember it wasn't there. That it wasn't there, because _Tony_ had taken it and then the memories would flood in, like an overload, like he hadn't been relieving Siberia just moments ago and-

It all came back to Tony.

"Steve, you have to come up, the team's worried about you." Sam said truthfully and Steve appreciated it, he really did, but he couldn't even hear the word _team_ without thinking about the ones they'd left behind, at the compound. Without thinking about-

"Now's not really a good time, Sam." Steve said, proud that his voice didn't crack like he thought it would.

"Is it ever?" Sam said and now he sounded tired. "Natasha dropped by earlier."

"Oh, yeah?" He said, his heart skipping a beat. The question was on the tip of his tongue, just waiting to stumble out of his mouth: _Did she say anything about To-_

No, Steve had lost the right to ask about him. "Did she say anything?" He asked instead, the words seemingly clawing his way out of his now dry throat.

"The usual reports." Sam said with a shrug. "But she also said to tell you something."

That made him curios. "Tell me what?"

Just a word. "Call."

Steve froze. "...What?"

"She said to 'call'." Sam repeated, and Steve could see he was going for a casual tone. Sam obviously knew who Nat had meant when she said that. Steve wondered whether the other knew. Had Natasha told them, or was he just that obvious?

When Steve saw that Sam was waiting for an answer, a reaction, something, he stayed stubbornly silent.

"...Seriously?"

Steve was the one who shrugged now. Sam stared at him, incredulous for a second, before shaking his head and thanks to his heightened senses, Steve was able to pick up the whispered "Unbelievable,".

"Look, Wanda cooked enough to feed five super-soldiers and come on, man, it's Christmas. After all that has happened, we should spend it with the people we love."

He couldn't do that, because the one he loved wasn't there. Steve didn't have him. He had never been Steve's and now he'd never be, because Steve had blown that up spectacularly.

"I'm sure you'd all like to. Too bad you're fugitives from the law." Steve said and immediately wished he could take it back. Instead, he looked away from Sam, sighing and rubbing his eyes. He was tired.

"Hey, we made that choice." Sam said, voice determined and leaving no place for arguments. "It was our decision to side with you and we stick by it."

 _Side with you._ There should have never been sides to begin with.

"I know that, Sam, I do. I'm sorry." Steve said, feeling like an asshole for making Sam deal with him, for laying it all on him like this. Steve should be better than this, he was Captain America. He wasn't allowed to break down, not when his friends sacrificed a lot because they believed in him. "I will be there in a while."

Sam looked at him doubtfully, but didn't push him and Steve was thankful for that.

"I'm serious, man. Call him." And there was that. "Who knows, maybe you'll get a Christmas Miracle."

After a moment, Sam left and Steve wished the floor could swallow him whole.

Yeah, Christmas miracle. Sure. It was the first Christmas Steve wasn't with the whole team since he woke up from the ice. Well, it was the first Christmas without Tony.

He'd probably never get to celebrate it with Tony again. To have Jarvis (or Friday) wake him up, so he could stop Tony from burning down the kitchen again in a failed attempt to bake cookies. To help Clint decorate the common floor, even if he put mistletoe's everywhere in order to mess with the team, to play drinking games with all of them at the Tower.

It didn't feel like Christmas. Steve didn't think he'd ever hated Christmas, even back before and during the war, but this year, he came pretty damn close.

Sighing, he went to his room.

***

Laying on his bed, Steve wondered just how much of a bad idea this was. On his hand he held his burner phone, still fully charged and on screen was the name "Tony" written in white, bold letters.

He fiddled with the buttons, closing and opening the phone for a good ten minutes, wondering if he should call, or just send a message. Steve knew he said he'd be there if that's what Tony needed, but now, months after sending Tony that letter, he knew Tony would never call (unless of course, there was a world wide threat, and even then, Steve doubted Tony'd immediately ask him for help).

The man had just too much pride to do that.

 _Or you know, you've just hurt him that much,_ a cruel voice in his mind offered and Steve felt his heart clench painfully at the thought. Sam's words echoed in his mind and Steve sighed deeply.

"Screw it, it's Christmas." He mumbled and pressed the call button.

After the second beep though, Steve seemed to realize that it was really Tony on the other side, it was Tony who'd pick up the phone (if he hadn't already thrown it away the second he got it) and promptly hung up.

Steve threw himself back on the bed, hands covering his face as he groaned in frustration, and if he was being honest, a little bit of embarrassment, too. He felt like a complete and utter idiot. Bucky would laugh at him if he'd been there.

 _'So much for being the brave Captain America,'_ Steve thought humorlessly. _'You've grown up sickly in the Great Depression, lead units in the most horrific war known to man, fought aliens and murder robots, but you're too scared to make a phone call. Good going, Rogers.'_

Steve wondered whether he'd ever be able to face Tony again, after everything. A smaller part of him, one he didn't want to acknowledge, wondered whether Tony would even want to look at him again. And didn't that hurt more than any punch or kick he had ever taken. The chance that Tony would never smile at Steve again. Would never fondly call him 'Cap' or light up when he saw Steve enter a room again.

The fear, the reality that he had lost Tony.

Feeling numb, Steve left the phone on his night stand and went to take a shower.

***

When he got out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist and hair still damp, Steve thought he'd started hallucinating because the burner phone was buzzing. For a moment, Steve stood there in complete shock, before it registered.

Tony was calling him.

As fast as he could, Steve grabbed the phone and answered. Well, answered might not be the right word, considering he didn't say anything, just stood there, holding his breath in anticipation and fear.

"Steve?" It was Tony's voice, firm and alarmed, he sounded distressed? -but _oh God,_ it was really Tony, he still had the phone, it _was him_ , and was it strange that Steve wanted to cry?

" _Tony,_ " He managed, breathless and with immeasurable relief.

"Did something happen?! Is the team alright, I saw the missed call and-"

"What?" Steve was sure he sounded like an idiot. "No! No, everybody's fine. Nothing's going on." Was that why Tony had called so suddenly? Steve felt warm at the thought that Tony would still jump at their defense the second he thought something was wrong.

The silence on the other end was deafening.

"Let me get this straight, Rogers." Tony said, sounding dangerously calm. " You suddenly decide to become alive after _months_ of silence, you call me using this abomination that I'm sure you found in some museum full of stuff that's just as ancient as you and- for what? You wanted to kick-start the new year early by giving me a heart attack?!"

Steve couldn't help it, he laughed. The words were so Tony, it hurt but in the same time, it was the happiest he'd been since the whole mess with the Accords started. Hearing Tony was like a weight lifted off his shoulders. "I _missed_ you." He said chuckling, more to himself than to Tony and the hitch of breath he heard brought him back to reality.

"Don't hang up." Steve said immediately, panic surging through him. "Please don't hang up."

"What do you want, Rogers?" Tony said, sounding tired and resigned. Rogers. Steve hated that coming from Tony. He swallowed. It was now or never.

"Tony, I'm sor-"

"You don't get to say that." Tony said, previous calmness gone and rage boiling just under the surface. A rage mixed with hurt. "You don't get to say that, not after everything, especially when we both know if given a chance, you wouldn't change anything. You'd just do the same thing all over again."

"That's not true!" Steve denied fiercely, defensive because, god, how could Tony even think that?

"No? Who are you kidding, Rogers?" Tony asked, voice almost hysterical.

"I know I may never agree with you on the Accords-"

"Oh, _please_ , like this was ever about the Accords!" Tony interrupted, venom in his voice.

"-But I know I'd do anything to change what happened between us in Siberia." Steve finished forcefully, because Tony HAD to know, he had to know how much he regretted that, how much Steve wished he hadn't been such a coward and told Tony the truth.

"It's not just that, Steve." Tony said and Steve recoiled from how sad he sounded. How...defeated. "Let's say we have this conversation. We're both sorry. Great! Now what? What does that change? Does it change the fact that you all are fugitives? That you lied to me? Or that my best friend still has trouble walking without needing a break every ten minutes? Does it change the fact that Ross is constantly breathing down my neck, wanting to use my tech to find you?"

"That's literally what you signed up for." Steve said bitterly at the last one. "That's what the Accords do, Tony, they restrict you! You may as well be Ross' lapdog now!" Steve knew it was a mistake, Tony himself said it better than he ever could, _that it was never about the Accords_ , but he couldn't help it. If there was something Steve couldn't stop doing, it was standing up for what was right. And the Accords weren't.

"You sure about that, Rogers?" Tony asked, a hint of mockery in his voice, as if he was a kindergarten teacher asking a child what had he done wrong. "Did you even read the Accords? Or did you just decide you didn't like them and therefore they were wrong because you're Captain America and God forbid we say otherwise."

Steve bit his tongue to stop himself from saying something he'd later regret. God, he had missed Tony, but in that longing, he'd forgotten just how goddamn irritating he could be.

"You know I read them." Steve said through gritted teeth.

Tony laughed, incredulous. "Wow. Okay then, that's- I mean, I knew you didn't think much of me, but I hadn't realized just how much of a bastard you apparently believe me to be. Or how incompetent."

Steve froze, as if he'd been thrown in the middle of a blizzard. He kind of...kind of wanted to laugh because Tony couldn't have been more far off if he'd tried. But to think that's what Tony believed hurt. Not when Steve cared so much about him, not when he lo-

Steve took a deep breath. "I thought this wasn't about the Accords, Tony."

"No, it isn't." Tony replied immediately. "If you ask me, something like this was bound to happen. You remember what Bruce said all those years back on the Helicarrier? The Avengers really were a time bomb, and honestly? I'm surprised we lasted this long. If not the Accords, it'd have been something else.

Steve's heart nearly broke at those words. "How can you say that?" He all but whispered. The Avengers were probably the one thing that had kept him sane after waking up in the future. The new life he had been building, with the team, with-with Tony. "The Avengers are a team, they're a family. Tony, I-"

"Please spare me the bullshit." Tony snapped. "Look, I can admit when I fuck things up, Rogers. But this? This war that happened between us, it wasn't all my fault. Because a _family_ ," He nearly spat the word and Steve flinched. "isn't supposed to turn their back at you when you need them, because trust me, I _needed you_ , Rogers-" and yeah, wasn't that just a punch to the gut for Steve to hear? "- I needed all of you, not to sign the Accords without considering everything, like mindless idiots, but to _listen_! To understand that we needed to give the people a security net, something to believe that they still had a choice in what happened around them. We may be a super-powered group of people that occasionally save the world, but that's all we are! A _group of people_ who are not above the law!

"And you were going to sign. You were going to sign, until you decided that I couldn't be trusted to deal with this kind of thing. These things that I have dealt with all my life. And it all boils down to that, doesn't it? What's a family that can't trust each other, Steve? Tell me."

Tony was breathing heavily, his anger burned out to leave a deep sadness and Steve's eyes tingled with tears that he refused to let out. He didn't agree with he Accords, really, and maybe he never would, but Tony was right, they all let the Accords divide them, they didn't trust each other and look where it got them.

Well, Steve was done lying and he was done being afraid. Maybe if he'd been honest with Tony from the start, things wouldn't have escalated so quickly. Certainly not like this.

"You're right." Steve said simply.

Tony was audibly thrown off. "I'm, I'm what?"

"You're right."

"Rogers, are you feeling okay?" Tony asked and Steve couldn't believe it, but he actually sounded genuinely worried. How had they fallen this far?

"I didn't trust you, Tony, and please believe me when I say I'm truly, truly sorry about that. It's stupid that I didn't even realize that, during the last few years, I was so afraid that it made me forget the important things I had. Like you." Steve mentally congratulated himself, because _wow_ , he had really said that last sentence out loud. It seems by the time they were done, Steve wouldn't have any secrets left.

"Wha-What are you talking about, Rogers?" Tony asked, clearly shaken and uncomfortable. "Seriously, are you sure you're alright?"

"Tony, just-Let me say this, please." Steve said, words soft. He couldn't believe how calm he actually felt. It had never felt easier talking to Tony that it did then. And really, Tony already seemed to believe there was nothing worse that could happen between them. Might as well get everything out in the open.

"I don't think you've ever realized this, but since I woke up from the ice, I had no one. Nothing. The Avengers gave me a purpose. Somewhere to belong. But you, Tony...you gave me a home."

Tony gasped, no other word about it, and Steve didn't know whether to take that as a good sign or not. "We didn't start our friendship off very well, but you were the only one who saw me as Steve Rogers rather than Captain America and you weren't afraid to call me out when you thought I was doing something stupid. You have no idea how much that meant to me. Then I got to know you, not Tony Stark the genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist-" Here Tony snorted and Steve smiled a little. "-but just Tony, who went to sleep at 5 in the morning, had no brain-to-mouth filter without firstly taking his coffee, who cared for his robots as if they were his own children and fought with me over the remote. And before I knew it, I looked at you and I saw the most wonderful man I had ever met. I was so proud to be your friend.

"But then came the whole thing with SHIELD and once more I felt as if I lost everything. I didn't know who to trust, was still dealing with an overwhelming new world. And then finding Bucky..." It was risky, mentioning him to Tony, and for a second he held his breath, but Tony seemed determined to listen, so he didn't say anything. "You were right when you said I was compromised, because Bucky was the last piece of my past, the last familiar thing I could hold onto from the life I had lost and I didn't want to give that up. And I needed to find him, keep him safe. I owed him that."

"Then why didn't you tell me?" Tony spoke suddenly and Steve did a double take.

"About your parents, Tony I-"

"Not that. At least, not yet." Tony interrupted again and Steve frowned, confused. "I own tech that any other company, even SHIELD, can only dream of, I could have found your buddy in a week at most. You can say whatever you want, but when it comes to it, you don't trust me, Steve. Why didn't you trust me to help you? Hell, I didn't even know you were searching for him! What, were you so afraid that I would have hunted him down even then?"

"How in the world could I have asked you to help?!" Steve said, bewildered, as if the mere thought horrified him and Tony felt pain pierce through him. "Asking you to help find the murderer of your parents,-" Steve beat down the urge to claim that Bucky was innocent, that it wasn't him, but he felt that Tony already knew that and it would just open a whole new debate. "-unknowingly, while I kept it a secret? No, definitely not. I already feel like I can't face you again, Tony. If I had done that, I wouldn't even be able to look at myself in a mirror anymore.

All of a sudden, Tony laughed. It wasn't helpless or sarcastic or bitter, it was a genuine, amused laughter, tinted with relief. "How is it, Rogers, that in one conversation, you manage to tear down everything I thought I knew about you?" He said.

"I hope not everything." Steve said tentatively. "I hope you know that I meant everything I said in that letter, Tony, even though there was probably a better way I could have put what I felt in it."

Tony snorted. "You think? God, we're such a mess."

"Maybe," Steve allowed. "Tony, I know that I hurt you and I betrayed you. Maybe you'll never be able to forgive me," And didn't that feel like ripping his heart out, saying those words, knowing they were probably true. "But I need you to know that keeping the truth from you was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The hardest thing."

"I still don't understand why, Steve." Tony admitted and Steve felt like crying when he heard the sob Tony tried to stifle. God, how could he have done this? "Why didn't you just tell me? I-When I saw the video,-I really don't know what fucked me up more, learning how my parents died or that you knew about it. For _years_ , and even so you had the _nerve_ to tell me off about keeping Ultron a secret when you-God, Steve, _why_?"

"I'm sorry," Steve said, miserable and guilty and so, so sorry. "Please, even if you can never trust me again, even if I have no right to ask this, _please_ believe that if I had the chance, I'd have done so many things differently. I would have told you long ago, would never let you think I didn't care, because I do. So, so much."

_Ok, it was now or never. Come on, Rogers._

"Tony, I...I love you." There, he said it. He actually said it.

Tony stilled. "...What?"

"I love you. I'm in love with you." Steve hadn't thought it'd feel this good to tell him, even if he knew it would probably be the last time.

Tony was angry. And hurt. Steve couldn't do this to him. "Stop fucking with me Rogers, or I swear-"

"I'm not!" Steve almost shouted, panicked. "I'm not, really, I do love you."

"I am nowhere near drunk enough to be making this up," Tony grumbled, running a hand through his hair and, yeah, Steve finally let a tear roll down his face. He knew it would hurt, Tony rejecting him, and Steve knew he'd never been able to stop loving Tony. This really was hopeless.

"I'm sorry, Tony." Steve apologized, trying to make it seem like his heart wasn't breaking. "You don't have to say anything. I've been in love with you for some time now and I will learn to deal with it, just as I have this far. I-If you'd ever be able to give me a chance at earning your friendship back, I will do anything. Because I want it, God, do I want it back, Tony."

Tony was shocked and touched and freaking out, because Steve loved him, Steve loved him back!

"Things like this don't happen to me." Tony said quietly, as if speaking louder would break the illusion. A happiness so intense burst through him, so warm that it made him cry. "How can you say that though when, when you chose _him_?" Tony knew it was a low blow, he knew it before he even said it, but he couldn't stop.

And that was the real issue, wasn't it? Not the Accords, not the lying, but the fact that Steve had chosen Barnes over him. And it didn't matter that Tony could _see_ that it wasn't like that, that he could see why, because still- it _hurt_.

"I'm sorry that taking his side meant I couldn't take yours." Steve said, breath ragged and tears now flowing freely down his cheeks. "But I never wanted to make you feel like I chose someone over you. Tony, you have no idea how much you mean to me. If something happened to you, I'd lose my goddamn mind, because you are the only thing that is keeping me sane. I have never felt anything like this in my entire life and know that I will love you 'till my dying breath, Tony Stark."

A beat of silence. _Well, great job, Rogers. You have manged to come off as a creepy psychopath._ Why could't he keep his mouth _shut_?

"Well, damn, Steve, save some words for the proposal, will you?" Tony chuckled and Steve froze. Was-was that...? Steve tried to stop himself from getting his hopes up. But maybe he did...maybe Tony loved him, too.

"Things like this don't happen to me, Steve." Tony repeated. "I don't- Pepper always said I loved to easily and too deeply, but people never-never, you know-" _Never loved me back_ , and Steve wanted to beat up anyone who hadn't appreciated Tony for everything he was.

Tony, who'd give his life and more for the people he loved.

Steve loved him.

"I love you." Steve whispered, just because he could now.

"I lo-I mean I do, you know, you. Not you! No, I just- umm, me too. Me too. " Tony felt like he wanted to slam his head to the wall and Steve chuckled, imagining a blush decorating Tony's face. "But, uhh, are you sure? Really sure about that?"

Steve couldn't think of a time in his life he had been happier. "I am."

"Huh. Well," Steve could almost see the grin that was undoubtedly splitting Tony's face in half. "This wasn't the way I thought I'd spend Christmas' Eve."

"Went better than you expected?"

"Considering I thought this would be the most horrible Christmas of my life, and trust me, I have a lot of those," Steve's smile faded. "I can safely say it went really, _really _good. And what do you know, I got my wish this year."__

__"I know the feeling," Steve said cheekily._ _

__"I guess you could say it's a Christmas Miracle." Tony said with a laugh and Steve froze for a second, Sam's words flashing inside his mind and then shook his head. "Oh yeah?"_ _

__"Definitely. It was a miracle, alright." How they had gone from being angry and resentful to _this_ was really nothing short of the work of God._ _

__"Merry Christmas, Tony."_ _

__"Merry Christmas, Steve."_ _

__When Steve joined the team for dinner, grinning like a mad man, they'd made fun of him for at least 20 minutes before congratulating him on 'getting your head out of your ass'. Sam even joked that if his sweetheart wasn't in the other side of the world, he'd think Steve got laid._ _

__Steve had laughed and vowed to do everything in his power to bring the Avengers together again._ _

__Maybe this Christmas hadn't been so bad after all._ _


End file.
